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April 5, 2006

Mental Meanderings

So I sent an e-mail to my surgeon's office the other day. I'm hoping to get an answer fairly soon. I asked them to put me in contact with a counselor or psychologist who has experience in handling bariatric surgery patients. I need to figure out what's keeping me from continuing on my path of wellness. There's obviously something there. Fear, most likely, but fear of what? That's definitely the question right now. I have some ideas in the back of my mind, but I think that I need to talk about them with someone who is more impartial than anyone I have right now. Don't get me wrong, my friends and family are amazingly supportive, and several of them are more than willing to be blunt with me when I ask them to do so, but even so, sometimes you have to get outside of your comfort zone when you're exploring new parts of yourself.

Why is it that people in general are so afraid of change? Even when it's change for the good, we're scared and uncertain. Half of the time, we resist it even though we know it's something that has to come. Stagnancy isn't a good thing. There's a reason that stagnant water stinks, right? Something dark and moldy grows inside of us when we don't change, when we don't refresh ourselves in some way. You can see it and sense it in people who refuse to allow any movement into their mind or soul. I don't want to be one of those people, but in order to avoid it I need to figure out what my fears are so that I can face them and, hopefully, move past them.

I have some physical things that I need to do as well. I need to go back to measuring my food, at least for a little while. My portions have slowly grown, and I know that this isn't a good thing. There will be a slight amount of stretching, of course, because your stomach can't really stay 3 ounces for the rest of your life, but if I don't reign myself in, it will get much larger than it needs to be. That will just lead to me getting fatter again, and probably becoming bigger than I was before I had the surgery.

I need to exercise. Yeah, I know, I'm getting a ton of exercise on the weekends right now, but it's not enough. I've said it before, dozens of times: I need to get to the gym. I've said I'm GOING to go to the gym, with or without Shado. I suck at the follow through. I've had people offer to be workout buddies, and I've failed them and myself repeatedly. I need to figure out why. Fear? Sheer laziness? I actually enjoy working out when I'm there, doing it. So why do I hate to get myself there? Why is it so much of an effort that I can't be bothered even though I know that it's the only way I've got any hope of getting to my goal weight?

We have plans for when I'm at my goal. I wonder if part of my fear is those plans. I know, I know, life is what happens while you're making plans...but these plans are life-altering in the most major way. Children change everything completely forever. I still have doubts about whether I'll even be a good mother. I know what others have said, and the reassurances are sweet to hear, but in my head I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll be too controlling, that I'll want to live vicariously through my child, that I'll want to turn them into a model of everything I never was while growing up. I despise parents who do that. Will I become what I despise?

*sigh*

My LiveJournal is entitled "My Zig-Zag Journey", and boy is my journey a zig-zag right now. Left, right, up, down. Half of the time I don't know what direction I'm going in, and the other half of the time I don't even have the faintest idea as to which direction I WANT to be going in anyway!!!

Maybe I'll figure it out at some point. Right now I'd be happy just to have a direction for a short time.

We'll see.

Posted by Lys on April 5, 2006 2:10 PM

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