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December 17, 2005
Nearly a year...
My co-worker had her 1 year birthday the other day. She had her surgery almost exactly a month before mine. That made me start thinking about where I am, where I wanted to be, and where I was.
I've lost around 120 pounds. That's a wild concept when you stop and think about it. I've lost a person. I can move better, I can breathe better, my diabetes is for all intents and purposes gone. I'll still always need to pay attention to what I eat, but my blood sugars have been disgustingly normal for over six months. My arthritis tends to only flare up when I REALLY push myself or when I'm stressed to the max.
I can dance. I can walk. I can fit in the seats at the movie theatre without getting bruises on my hips or making an embarassing spectacle of myself as I try to wedge into them. I can wear heels again. The laces have miraculously gotten longer on my shoes and boots as my feet have gotten smaller and stopped swelling as much.
Life has gotten much, much better.
But I've still got a long way to go. I have around 180 more pounds to lose before I reach my ideal goal. I have a first line goal, a couple of middle goals, and an ideal goal. I believe that I CAN make my ideal. I have some things that I have to do in order to make that a reality.
I need to make time and put the effort into consistently exercising. I do well for a week or two, then stop again. This has to end and I have to go even when I don't feel like going. Odds are, I'll feel better about it when I'm done than I would if I had skipped. I can't depend on Shado to get me there. It has to be all me.
I need to be careful of my foods. I seem to have a high tolerance for sugars and fats compared to a lot of people who have this surgery. This is good in some ways as I'm not completely denied things, but it's bad in others as it takes a lot more self-monitoring without that "If I eat this I'll get physically sick." limitation.
I need to drink more water. I've slacked on that, and it's not good. Time to start keeping a large water bottle at my desk again.
I need to face some of my remaining inner fears. I'm scared of being slender. It's a common thing, according to my doctor and his staff. I'm afraid that I'll change too much and that how people treat me will change too much, and it will be overwhelming. I'm afraid that I'll be angry at the world for treating me differently just because I look different, that I'll hate the world for not seeing the me that was inside me all along. I'm afraid that Shado won't love the new me. I know...they're not rational fears, no one said fears need to be rational. I'm afraid I'll get too MUCH attention from men if I'm slender, and I won't know what to do.
I'm afraid that I won't be me. I have to figure out just who "me" is, and to consciously decide which parts of "me" I want to keep, and which parts need to go away.
I'm setting a goal. I want to lose 50 more pounds by the time we go to Florida in February. Yeah, it's a very ambitious goal, but if I don't make it an ambitious one, I'll let myself slack. I believe that it is a do-able goal if I exercise at least 5 times per week and correct the bad habits that have snuck back into my life regarding what I eat. This is not a New Year's resolution, this is a challenge to myself. I'm going to be 1 year old on January 10th. I want to be moving forward again by that time, rather than stuck in place like I have been for the last four or five months.
This is my goal. I am going to do my best to achieve it. I am lucky as I know that my friends and family will do everything that they can to help me with it. Now I just have to get the last piece into place and go back to helping myself.
I can do it. I know I can.
Posted by Lys on December 17, 2005 3:04 PM
Comments
YAY LYS! You're doing awesome. I know you'll work through the "stuff" in your head. You are on an amazing journey, and it's going to keep getting better. A whole year. Wow. I'm so happy to read this!
Hugs, Kim
Posted by: Peacebug at December 20, 2005 4:04 PM
Being the co-worker who had this done one year ago also....I know what you are going through. You have made tremendous leaps in the last year as have I. We have both done great!! And boy do I understand the "will I hate the world for treating me different"? It is difficult looking back at how people treated me as a leper and now....everyone wants to be around me. I have changed my tastes in many things...the quality of people I allow in my life is different than before. I used to think....I had to allow people who were not of good social standing in my life so that I could at least have someone in my life. Now....I realize I am worth more than they can ever be and I don't need the rifraff in my life, only quality people. So here is to a new you....a new me....a new year....and a NEW LIFE!!! Cause we DESERVE IT!!
Posted by: Lori at January 13, 2006 3:13 PM
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