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February 18, 2005
Depression 101
Today was a day of ups and downs. Not the monstrously huge ups and downs that have populated my life over the last year and a half, but more like a bunch of moguls on the downhill run toward the weekend. Good things at work, and bad things that made Lys grumpy. A grumpy Lys is a Bad Thing (tm) in and of itself.
The grumpiness has settled into a quiet depression tonight. I should be excited about rehearsal starting tomorrow, but right now I just want to hide from the world. I suppose that a good thing is that I know where the depression is coming from.
Food.
It happens to everyone who has the surgery at some point or another...sometimes many points. Today is my turn. I want my stomach back. I don't care at this very moment that I've lost nearly 50 pounds. I want to comfort myself with something that's been a comfort my whole life, and I can't. I couldn't even bother to try and talk Shado into stopping at Applebee's for a dinner of mozzerella sticks, steak, baked potato, salad, and chocolate dessert. Even if I wouldn't get sick on some of those things, I couldn't eat all of that anyway.
I want a cheeseburger and fries.
I want pizza and wings.
I want ice cream.
I don't want them just because of the flavor, I want them because they're what I've always used to make myself feel better when I've had a rotten day.
Logically I know that I need to find other things to make myself feel better, and I have no doubt that with time I will do so. Right now, at this very moment, however, I don't care that exercise increases your endorphins, or that a burning a vanilla scented candle will lift your spirits. Neither of those is a bowl of mint chip drowning in hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and several cherries.
This will pass, I know it. And I'll be bouncing off the walls with joy again that I'm losing so much. It's just that right now I'm not bouncing...it's more like a soft, depressing splat.
I want a sandwich. I saw a Kraft mayo commercial, and the lady had this great, healthy looking sandwich with turkey and lettuce and tomato and mayo. I can't have that. Too much bread.
I'm starting on regular food this weekend. It's two days early, but I need to make this weekend as easy as possible. We'll see how it goes.
No matter what, though, it won't be a hot fudge sundae.
Posted by Lys on February 18, 2005 1:37 PM
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