Unicornucopia.org

I'm excited. I'm nervous. Both of these are to be expected, I suppose. I
know that I'll appreciate every positive thing that comes of this. I'll be
able to do things that I haven't been able to do in years, and I'll be able
to do things that I've only dreamed about doing. These are good things. I
also know that I'll have to deal with depression and a period of mourning,
because even though the changes are going to be positive overall, I will be
losing a major part of my life.

You don't realize how much we depend on food in America today. Our social
lives tend to revolve around it in one form or another. Birthday cake,
dinner out with friends, popcorn at the movies, drinks at a party, pot luck
dinners...all of these things are occasions when we get together with
friends and family. The important part of these occasions IS that we're with
those we love, but there's also the food that is the centerpiece of the
celebrations. Special dishes that are made only during the holidays, candies
given on Valentine's Day. I know that I will still be able to partake of
these occasions, and eventually I'll even be able to have small servings of
those special items (for the most part), but knowing that logically, and
knowing that emotionally are two different things.

I have found myself doing the "last" thing these past two weeks. "This is my
last taste of Ben and Jerry's", "This is my last serving of Dutch Lettuce",
all those kinds of thoughts. I know that it may not be my last taste of such
things, but there is that possibility, so I have been busily grazing my way
through all of the comfort foods of my life. I'll have to find another
comfort. That's scary. It's a positive step for me, but it's still scary,
and I know that there will be times when my old habits will fight to come
back, and I'm going to have to hold them off or else I will pay for my
lapse.

It's odd, though, because while I've been going through this feverishly
desperate attempt to get a bit of everything I like to eat before tomorrow,
I've also found myself beginning to make the changes that I need to make
mentally. For instance, this past weekend I decided that I was going to buy
a pint of good ice cream and just sit down and eat it. I don't do that very
often, but since I probably won't be able to have good ice cream again
because of the high sugar and fat contents, I figured I could indulge this
once. I don't know whether to be happy or sad that it was somewhat of a
disappointment. It just wasn't as good as I thought it would be. I found
myself at the end of the pint, looking into the empty carton and thinking,
"Well, at least now I won't be able to say I missed my last chance to have
it." but at the same time thinking, "It just wasn't that great."

We had been planning to go to Fogo de Chao this week, because after Monday I
will never eat my money's worth there again, but because of financial issues
(including over $500 worth of prescriptions for the surgery) we were not
able to go. I thought that I would regret it more. Truth be told, I don't
really mind that much. Maybe we'll take visiting family or friends there
sometime in the future, when I can have beef again, and then I'll just pay
my exorbitant cost and eat what I can eat, and enjoy it thoroughly and not
care that it wasn't "my money's worth". I mean, really, what is "my money's
worth"? Is it quantity? Or quality? If we go there with friends or family,
we have an enjoyable time, the service is wonderful, and I get to taste food
that is cooked well, isn't that my money's worth? I don't have to eat 5
pounds of steak to get worth out of it, do I?

I hope not. I hope that starting Monday I live a life that's full of quality
rather than quantity.

And, just to remind myself of it once more, here is my list of some of the
reasons why I'm doing this:

- HEALTH!!!
- rollercoasters
- dancing
- swordfighting
- yoga
- self-confidence
- better sex (hey...that's a good reason, I think! Flexibility is an asset!
*wicked grin*)
- being able to deal with personal hygiene without it becoming an
Olympic-level contortionist act (yeah, TMI...but it's my journal so there!)
- sitting in seats without squishing neighbors or having bruises on my hips
from the arms
- being able to enter a room and sit down without worrying about finding a
seat that I won't break and I can fit in
- did I mention sex? *snerk*
- running up stairs
- having children and being healthy for them
- not having to ask for a seat belt extender when I fly on planes (not to
mention only having to buy 1 seat instead of 2)
- sleeping without snoring
- baseball games
- opera
- theatre
- philharmonic concerts
- rock concerts
- movies
- clothes that are attractive
- oh yeah....and sex!

When I'm going through my mourning, and asking myself (as I sip my 500th
serving of protein shake while wistfully watching restaurant commercials on
TV) why I did this, I will be able to look back at this list and know just
why I did it.

Before I go, I want to thank those of you who are reading this. I appreciate
all of your support during this torturous process. We're at the top of the
first hill of the roller coaster, and I'm ready to scream my way on down.
Time for a wild ride! *grin* I'm glad you're all along with me.

66.5 Hours from when I finish typing this!!!