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February 18, 2004
Uncertainty & Motivation
Well, I have my first appointment with a nutritionist next week. That means that I'll be qualified to have the surgery in either July or August, probably. Thank goodness that the next step is completed, because I keep vacillating between doing this and chickening out. Every time that I think about just how huge the changes in my life will be, it makes me scared, which makes me start to question my decision. I know, I know, it's stupid to debate between a healthy life with a lessening/cessation of diabetes and arthritis...and a bowl of mint chip ice cream. Stupid. Of course I'll be better off without all of this excess weight. And if it means giving up ice cream or other foods that my system ends up not liking, well, isn't that worth it?
*sigh*
It's hard to believe it, but there are times when the answer to that question is actually 'no' inside my head.
I know that it's not logical, and I know that I'd be a fool to stay this size, or bigger, and shorten my life by doing so just so that I can eat certain foods. But logic doesn't always play a part in how we think, and there are times when I'm so frightened of doing this that logic is nowhere in sight.
I try to keep reminding myself of all of the things that I'll be able to do again. We'll be going to Disney with my family again in 2006. If I get this operation in July, then I'll be able to ride the roller coasters at Disney, like I've dreamed of since I was little. I love roller coasters and other wild rides. I couldn't ride them on our last trip.
That works sometimes. But there are times when I'm eating something and think "I won't be able to have this after the operation." and it nearly freaks me out.
How did food get such a hold over my life?
*sigh*
I wish I knew.
I hope that doing this helps break that hold. I really hope so.
Posted by Lys on February 18, 2004 1:39 PM
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