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October 17, 2003

Fear

Okay, so...as I expected, I still am going back and forth on this subject. To have gastric bypass or to not have it? There are moments, even hours, when I'm sure it's what I'll do and it feels right and I know it needs to happen. There are other times when the entire thought scares the crap out of me and I'm positive that I can't do it and I'll be a failure at it. I'll pig out, I'll stretch my stomach back out. I won't exercise. I think of all the things I could possibly do to make it go wrong, and I'm sure they'll happen.

It's so frustrating. I want to lose weight, don't I? Or do I? If I really wanted to, wouldn't I have done so already? What holds me back? I'm afraid. What do I have to be afraid of? Things that make sense, things that don't make sense? All of the above?

I'm afraid that if I lose weight, others will find me attractive and I'll have to deal with all that carries with it.

I'm afraid that if I lose weight, I'll change into someone who is like all of those 'pretty people' I despise.

I'm afraid that if I lose weight, others won't find me attractive and I'll find out I've been fooling myself all along.

I'm afraid that if I lose weight, Shado will come to his senses and find someone else. (Hey, I didn't say they were logical fears!)

I'm afraid to lose the 'security blanket' that my weight has become. I can blame every failure in my life on my weight. They didn't want me to sing with them because I don't have the right "look"...I didn't get asked to dance because I'm fat...They snubbed me because of my appearance...

I'm afraid to lose weight because I won't be able to turn to the one consistent comfort in my life any more.

I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy cooking or eating any more. I may not want to be fat, but that doesn't mean I don't want to enjoy food when I eat it. *sigh*

I'm afraid that if I peel away all of the layers insulating me from the outside, I'll find that there's really nothing underneath them and I'm just an empty shell with nothing to add to the world.

I'm afraid that there is something to me, and if I haven't got the excuse of being fat any more, I'll actually have to make something of myself instead of hiding.

I'm afraid that I'll turn into a slut.

I'm afraid that no one will want me and I'll end up alone.

I'm afraid of being afraid.

I'm afraid of success.

I'm afraid of failure.

Why do I spend so much time being afraid? I don't know. I wish that I DID know, because if I did, I might be able to fix it and deal with my life without having someone go in and re-arrange my insides.

To surgery or not to surgery, that is the question. And no one can answer it for me but me. And you know what? That makes me afraid too....

Posted by Lys on October 17, 2003 8:00 PM

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