Weight Loss Journal | Bad Habits »
March 3, 2003
The Resolution
So...it was an interesting weekend this past weekend to say the least. I found out that I'm losing my cold weather survival skills and had to brush up on them in order to survive two days of rehearsal in 30 degree temperatures without giving up my official status as a Northerner. But on Sunday the old habits kicked back in and I remembered just how to layer clothing to best effect and various ways to trick the body into thinking that it's warmer than it really is.
I also had the joyful (yeah, that's sarcasm) experience of having someone try to figure out the nicest way possible to tell me that I'm too fat to be of any use in Chess Match. I was, in Maggie Tudie's opinion, much too nice to the man in question and let him off the hook too easily. *shrug* Maybe I did, but I still have to get a lane fight or two approved by this same person, so I saw no point in being bitchy to him. We both know that's what he was saying, and he was...in his own rather inept way...trying to be nice about it when I finally pinned him down to specifically ask WHY I hadn't been chosen to fight. "It's basically skill level. When I watched you do the footwork exercises, I wanted someone who could move a little better. It's not that you don't know it, I could see that you do, but I wanted people who could do the moves a little more smoothly."
Right. That's why you cast several children under the age of 16 in chess match but not me. But that's fine...I know what it means, and he knows what it means. He did try to encourage me to continue working at it, and suggested that I take a dance class to help with it, sharing how when he started he had an instructor suggest a Swing Dance class to him to help with footwork coordination. So ...despite the fact that I had to go to him and practically pin him in place to find out why, he did try to be as encouraging as is possible for him. Maybe not the epitome of grace and class, but he tried. So I can't hate him or be angry with him. All that I can do is decide, as I said in my "What I learned this weekend" post on the Scarby Stories yahoo group, whether I'm going to let his decision and the reasons for it destroy me...or motivate me.
I choose motivation.
There will come a day, and I am promising this to myself...no one else, that I will surpass this man and leave him eating my dust when it comes to stage combat. I will become one of the best there is out there when it comes to this sort of thing. I will lose my weight, I will do what it takes in terms of practicing and movement, and I will become the best fighter that I can be. I believe that the best fighter that I can be will be one of the best fighters that Scarborough Faire has ever seen.
I will do this.
I came home Saturday night and wrote in my journal. The entry started out with the words "I hate myself." You know what? I'm tired of hating myself. It wears me out. It uses so much energy that it exhausts me. I'm tired of it, and it has to stop. And the only person who can stop it is me. My friends, whom I love dearly, tell me that I'm a good person, that I'm worthy of caring for, but I have found it so hard to believe them and I'm trying to figure out why. I trust their word in everything else, why can't I trust it in this?
I'm going to change my life. I'm tired of constantly feeling as though I'm living a lie. All of these people who say that I'm smart, pretty, good at things...and I constantly tell myself that they're saying it to be nice. They're not. They're saying what they believe, and if all of these people believe it, and repeat it to me so often, what keeps me from believing them too? I have to start letting myself believe them, and trust them. So I'm going to begin working to overcome whatever it is inside me that I allow to throw these doubts up over and over, the same doubts that I've used as an excuse to fail over and over in my life. I've started so many things, and let them all fall by the wayside because I listened to that little, frightened voice inside my head that said that everyone has to be wrong, that whatever good fortune I had was a fluke, that I don't DESERVE good things to happen because I'm not worthy of them. That's going to change.
It won't happen overnight. I know that. I've listened to that voice for so long that it's habit now. Bad habits are hard to break, and I may need some help now and then, but this is a habit that has to end. Now.
Posted by Lys on March 3, 2003 10:30 AM
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